This is me trying to figure it all out.

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Been thinking about the lyrics: “What’s a king to a God? / What’s a God to a non-believer?”

It’s all about perspective. It’s about who you give your power to and who you hold accountable for your own actions.

So, to combine that line of thinking with another set of lyrics from Sister Hazel:

“If you wanna be somebody else
If you’re tired of fighting battles with yourself
If you wanna be somebody else
Change your mind
Change your mind”

So, here’s to making it simple and changing my mind about what’s important.

It’s not important if it’s not.

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What am I doing?

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Last night I couldn’t sleep. I tried listening to a relaxation CD, writing an article about Women in Leadership, and simply laying in bed hoping for rest. Somewhere between falling asleep and my dreams, I woke up with clarity knowing I needed to resolve my life to three priorities right now.

1. Work
2. Weight Loss
3. IAVM

All of these represent commitments I need to fulfill to others and myself. Everything else needs to be put on the back burner. TV. Movies. Friends. Going out. Socializing. I will still go to events I have committed to, but going out more than once a week is not necessary right now.

Spending more time at home will give me time to focus on these areas of my life and lend them 100% of my talents.


Stop procrastinating. Be better.

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Date: 3/13/2013
Current Weight: 197.5
Goal: 155
Pounds til Goal: 42.5
How I Am Feeling: Clear minded. Focused.

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[Warning: This post is pretty stream of conscious and jumps around a little bit… aka I rambled and hoped there was a point.]


When you first meet someone, you don’t know how you will impact one another’s lives, but something in your being knows your friendship is important. 

Moving to a new city makes you realize how much effort can go in to making new friends — learning about who they are, who they want to be (or don’t want to be any more), about their past, what their goals are, which pizza toppings they like, what makes them laugh, and what type of movies they enjoy. All the small talk. All the jokes and drinks and rounds of pool. It’s all relevant.

I have struggled on and off over the last 16 some odd years with depression in various forms and since being in Tulsa have felt I need to find a counselor because I have no friends who really know me or get me yet. I keep too much to myself and without a friend to be supportive, I don’t have an outlet here.

Over the last few days, I realized I’ve made an impact on other people’s lives - and hopefully for the better - but only because they thanked me. This was important for me to hear and let it sink in. For some reason, it’s difficult for me to see my good attributes and focus only on what I could improve upon that’s not good enough. Perhaps I find it strange for a girl who wanted to take her own life to be someone who helps other people take strides towards their dreams and their success. So can a life make a difference?

I want to work everyday towards a life that has meaning. …Yet I catch myself settling and giving up and being lazy. My actions do not match up with my priorities or my goals, and when that happens I let myself down more than anyone else. I do not want to fear success,  and I’m not sure I do, but I am pretty sure I can be self-sabotaging. Recently I have been trying to determine exactly what “success” would look like or feel like or mean - how will I know what I want to put my efforts in to? Am I okay with working 40hrs a week and putting less time in to work? What is my goal at work? Is it worth the time? Will my boss or anyone notice? What would I rather do with my time? Volunteer? Get involved? Exercise? Read? Write? What is my balance and how do I achieve success both in my career and personal life?

If tomorrow I was given the chance to do anything I wanted, and go anywhere I wanted, the craziest most impulsive part of me would go to Gainesville and set my intentions on asking someone to marry me. I can live and work hard anywhere, but my heart still lives in Florida. I’ve tried to get it back but haven’t yet because I don’t think I’m done having an impact on that person’s life.

So what’s it like to know that you’ve made a difference to someone else? When someone says two powerful words like “Thank You,” how can you still feel like you’re not making the right choices and doing good things?  It’s a gift to be truly appreciated and an honor to be worthy.

I am grateful to the amazing friends in my life who push me to succeed, who listen to me, who make me laugh, and who won’t let me settle. You’re important. I need you. You make a difference. Thank YOU.

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The late comedian Mitch Hedberg had a punch line that ended with “Get your priorities crooked.” Sometimes I can’t tell if I am getting mine straight or getting them crooked.

I am pretty sure my life is awesome. I get paid a good wage to have the job I’ve always wanted. I live in a great city. My friends are all phenomenal, talented people who live with passion and gusto — all of them. The saddest part of my life right now is that I am away from my incredibly large and loving family. That is the part that has me question my priorities.

As I explore the world, who I am, and what I want to stand for, people think I’ve got something figured out. I don’t know that they’re wrong, but I don’t know that they’re entirely right. I’ve figured out that I am not yet the best version of myself, and that I strive towards that goal by avoiding mistakes I can foresee. I know myself and feel that I am going to be capable of amazing things. However, I feel like there is a linch pin that is holding something within me back. I am searching for it constantly and ready to pull it in expectation of a tidal wave of release and understanding.

Perhaps it’s a pain I buried deep within my heart or my emotions because I had no way of coping at the time. Maybe it’s a fear or a guilt that’s holding me back. Possibly it’s a secret I had no one to whisper to and tucked it away so I could hear it once again.

So until then, can I find a world where I have it all? The successful career path, the phenomenal friends, and the fun city, all while living near my family? I am afraid the answer is no, and right now I’ve chosen career, independence, and exploration over family. I think that’s why my heart has always yearned to go back to Gainesville. I felt a sense of community there like no other place, yet lived close enough to drive home at a moments notice for a neice’s birthday or a Thanksgiving weekend or for absolutely no reason in particular.

Maybe when I thought I was getting my priorities straight, I needed to be getting them crooked.

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The move to Tulsa was a breeze. Most of my things went in to storage, and I moved in to a room in Parker’s house. Parker is my new roommate. Three and 1/2 days a week his daughter Lauren is also my housemate. She’s cute, adorable, and laughs all the time. Her laughter is great at the end of a long day. So is the hot tub in the back yard. That is definitely a nice perk.

Last Monday, 10/8, I began back on the 4 Hour Body eating plan because I was back up to 193 (relatively not that high I suppose, but still not as good as I had been). I was able to stay on the plan this entire week without deviating. Keeping my sights on the wedding next month in New Orleans (11/16) for which I am a bridesmaid has helped give me a short term goal to keep me extra motivated. Rachel (the Bride) and I made a deal to lose 10 pounds before the wedding. We check in with each other from time to time to see how the exercising or eating habits are going. I started at 192 when she and I made the pact 2 months ago; my goal is 182 in the next 30 days. I am currently at 186.2 — so only 4.2 pounds to go!!

The first month of work has been good. I am still trying to figure out my leadership style. Managing people I had no say in hiring is proving challenging to me, especially in a building where I am newer than they are. It’s causing me to evaluate who I am, how I want to portray myself, and how to communicate differently to different people. Do I want to play the supportive card? When are you the manager and when are you the friend?  Do I want to lay down the rules so next time the same things are not repeated? How much leniency is a good amount and how much is too much? How do you create change? How do you get someone to care about their job and keep them away from apathy? Etc Etc.

I am beginning to make friends. Fortunately I am making a new BFF for Tulsa who has been good enough to invite me to social events and introduce me to his set of friends. I’ve gone to the Scottish Fest, had people to go to the movies with, donated blood, gone to the Tulsa State Fair (twice), and this week I’m going to Oktoberfest. Not bad for the first month.

Overall I am glad to be in Tulsa. I do miss some good friends in Racine. And of course living on the beach. ; )

As I said from the beginning of this blog, losing weight and getting healthy is not only about the physical. It is about letting go of the emotions that weigh me down as well. This weekend, when I found out S bought a screen printing company in Gainesville, it was this major moment. I knew he was no longer detaching himself from the city, but rather becoming more entrenched. I realized what I hadn’t wanted to. He was more lost than I was, and I can do nothing about it. He’d never make the choice to be with me. I was wrong to hold on.

Letting go of what you thought you wanted brings in to question everything you think you know. For example, if you thought you wanted an apple but turns out it didn’t taste good and it didn’t satisfy your hunger, then maybe what you wanted wasn’t what you needed. So how do we know when we’re making the right choices —- and how do we decipher when they are what’s best, not simply what we want? When is following our instinct to choose what we want actually the best decision? If we can’t trust our instinct, what do we have?

I am going to take a trip to Dallas this upcoming weekend. By Friday I will have worked 12 days straight. It should be a fun weekend, and it will be good to kick back with Javier, Ashlind, & Liz.

Here’s to figuring it all out. And, when you can’t, to having good beer with great friends.

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Date: 10/16/2012
Current Weight: 186.2
Goal: 155
Pounds til Goal: 31.2
How I Am Feeling: Goal Oriented

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Forewarning: This post is a little more journal-entry-ish than really about any type of diet or exercise plan.

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As I mentioned in my last blog post, the house show with Communist Daughter on Friday night was amazing. It was a great way to kick off the weekend.

Saturday afternoon I went to Angela Terry’s house to pick up some more boxes. She and her husband Chris recently moved and luckily had saved quite the selection from which to choose. Angela T. was also kind enough to go through her closet and gift me some fabulous “new” shirts and a black dress. While there, Angela T. and I also went on a bike ride to check out a car on the side of the road, then casually rode over to see if our other friend Kelly Riley was home. Alas, she was not. It was fun being outside and riding bikes. I can’t wait to get mine fixed and functional!

Saturday it was a little difficult to stay focused on packing. Amongst the distractions, lack of focus, and nap-taking, I at least accomplished a good 3 hours worth. In the evening, from 6-8pm, I attended Bonk! at the Racine Arts Council. BONK! is a monthly performance series held in downtown Racine, WI. http://bonkperformanceseries.wordpress.com/

After Bonk!, a group of 10 of us went to eat at a fabulous Spanish restaurant called Olde Madrid also located in downtown Racine. Good company, excellent food, and interesting conversations were had. After dinner, Angela Malone, Janetta (?), & I hung around outside talking and laughing for another hour about everything & nothing in particular. For example, at various points in the night we talked about [today’s high school] drug use, critiqued greek togas, and postulated about the horrors of having/raising/living with your kids [when they’re 14-18 years old]. I laughed a lot…. a lot.

Angela Malone invited me to breakfast with her and her mother. Of course Angela’s boyfriend [Nick] was allowed to tag along too. (jjjj/k) We ate at The Chancery which was not too bad. Hanging out with Angela M. & Nick D. is always a fun time with lots of good laughs.

Towards the end of breakfast, I saw my former HR Manager, her husband, kids, and I’d surmise perhaps her parents. They were seated a few tables away behind me (my back towards them). For the most part I’d liked her while we worked together, and I have no ill-will towards her. I felt as though I should go over to say hello but felt it could have been very awkward. No one at my table thought I should say anything. I really felt as though either way - saying hello or not saying anything - was an awkward situation. As the moment of truth arose, and we were walking out, I didn’t go over to her table to say anything. :-/

After breakfast, I took a short nap before Angela Terry came over to select some goodies from my free pile in return for the nice articles of clothing she’d shared with me the day prior. I was glad to see my things go to a good home. She and I sat about chatting for a bit before deciding to go to lunch. After lunch, we said our final goodbyes & parted ways in the rain. It was sad.

Now I am working one of my final shifts at The Council House. This is my last shift as a Guest Service Agent (aka working the Front Desk). Tuesday, for some reason… because I know they need help and I can’t say no… I am working as a Server in the Dining Room. I really enjoyed all the people I worked with at The Council House. I will also miss receiving tasty free meals each time I work. ; )

Forecast for the remainder of the week:
Monday: Hang out with Sara McQuay at some point during the day; 7-9pm Host UU Neighborhood Gathering
Tuesday: PACK & ORGANIZE EVERYTHING; 4-11pm Work
Wednesday: LOAD THE TRUCK [hopefully with at least a little help]; Attend & Enjoy Dan Garnett & Naomi Marie’s show at The Yardarm Bar & Grill
Thursday: Load remaining items; Begin the drive to Oklahoma!
Friday: Finish the drive & ARRIVE IN TULSA!!
Saturday: 10:30am-12:30pm Movers help unload the truck; Take a nap for the rest of the day
Sunday: Check out the nearby All Souls Unitarian Church [currently largest in the world!]

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Communist Daughter

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Last night I went to a great house show! Johnny and Molly of Communist Daughter played an acoustic set, and it was fantastic. I am definitely a fan now. I highly recommend checking them out (see video in post above).

At the show, my buddy Nick introduced me to people and kept suggesting they help me move on Wednesday. While outwardly and mentally I was incredibly grateful for these people who didn’t know me who are willing to stop by to help, I inwardly was overcoming this strong feeling of awkwardness and difficulty accepting the help.

I know I can’t move all this by myself. I know how horrible packing & then loading the truck was in South Carolina when I thought I could handle it all. I couldn’t. The second day in South Carolina, Josh & Heather helped me out an incredible amount so that I actually left on the day I’d planned on leaving albeit many hours after I’d planned.

So that is why I am aware I need help.

I am learning to simply say Thank You and be grateful for being connected to a generous community.

It made me realize, also, one of the reasons I’ll miss this place.

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I am trying this!

I am trying this!

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