The productive week continued at work, though towards the end there was so much that needed to be done it was almost overwhelming. Thank goodness for a long weekend!
Yesterday I cleaned out my car and then got my car washed & vacuumed after months of procrastination. It feels so good to have a tidy & clean car.
Yesterday I also attempted to return a dress I bought back in Oct/Nov. It’d never been worn and still had the tag on it, but I’ve long since lost the tag. I was driving by the store and thought, what the heck?! I think I bought it for $30, but it’s now on sale, so I got $20 of in-store credit. Not too shabby!
Below is a photo of all the stuff I went through tonight that I’m going to take to Plato’s Closet to try to sell. It’s so full the lid won’t close. This doesn’t include about 10 items that I didn’t think they’d purchase.
De-cluttering feels so good.
This is what progress looks like!
I haven’t figured out what to do with t-shirts that hold some significance but I don’t wear anymore. I did a lot of Googling tonight on creative ways to upcycle t-shirts. There were some cool projects, but none that exactly captured what I want to do. So for now t-shirts for upcycling have been placed aside in piles waiting for their next lives.
=== Date: 5/26/2013 Current Weight: 192.2 Goal: 155 Pounds til Goal: 37.2 How I Am Feeling: Productive
Mentally I hadn’t really been to work in over two weeks. (I mean, if I’m being honest. Heck, it could even have been 3). My head literally wasn’t in the game. My weakest excuse was that I was working 70-80 hours a week, so lack of brains x more hours = somewhat evened out.
Today I was productive as hell! It was amazeballs!
It was as though procrastination was the enemy, and I was winning.
At least a week’s worth of work in one day!
I wish I had this type of focus everyday, but I’ll take it when I can get it.
=== Date: 5/21/2013 Current Weight: 193.2 Goal: 155 Pounds til Goal: 38.2 How I Am Feeling: Productive
2 Boxes of Items either for Garage Sale or Good Will 1 Bag of Trash 1 Bag of Recycling (see below) 2 Boxes of Items for Gifting
One task today was to go through old CD cases (some of the CDs themselves have long since been stolen over the years—mostly that one time in college… it was sad… :( …. well, anyways….). My goal was to cut the number kept in half.
Also, I held on to some of the nicer backs of the cases that weren’t very scratched for a potential creative/crafty project for when I move. All the other jewel cases will end up in one of the handy recycle bins at Target or Best Buy.
Here’s a grocery bag full of CD cases ready for recycling!
Now all my CD cases - both those with CDs in them and those for nostalgia - fit on one simple case. No more stacks on stacks on stacks!
Other action items for the day were:
De-cluttered my car
Took recycling to church (they don’t have recycling pick up out in the middle of nowhere, which is apparently where I live)
After a long, wonderful, loving, positive talk with Stephanie today, I confirmed my decision to no longer be best friends with Ashlind.
This is not a brand new decision. I started to make it two months ago. Bonds of friendship are not easily broken, so this week I gave one final attempt for mending of fences. All I found instead was negativity, harsh judgement, chaos, lack of compassion, anger, inability to forgive/ let go of the past, and someone who is unable to make every situation dramatic and about herself. Life can become really tough and friends need to be supportive, not crazy and self-involved. Right now I feel that being her friend encourages a cycle that accepts her tantrums and says that her childlike behaviors don’t have to change.
I think Ashlind has amazing potential. She’s smart, creative, and more passionate than half the people I know. I know that when she makes some major internal shifts, lets go of a lot of fears/self-doubt, and decides to funnel all of herself into productive ventures and creating a positive self, she’s going to have every success she’s ever wanted.
While I may have shed a few tears in this process, I know that the people I surround myself with and look to for advice need to be (or at least need to want to be) positive and healthy. Maybe someday that will be Ashlind. Until then, it’s time to let go.
Before starting the session, I confirmed/ remeasured the statements below and found all were strong/yes. 1. God is 100% My Friend. 2. I no longer value Anger. 3. I have Forgiven myself for ALL self-angers. 4. I am free from the HABIT of self-anger and criticism.
Money is a Symbol for the Richness of ALL LIFE.
"People talk about "making money." A synonym for "make" is "create." Our challenge is to love what we create, right from the beginning of our lives." p.43
Today I worked on statements such as: "Money is My Friend" "I like my Mistakes" "I prefer not to make mistakes" "I am willing to make mistakes" "I give myself permission to make mistakes" "Miss-takes are now learning opportunities"
We are taught to dislike mistakes - to make a mistake means we get punished, feel bad. We cannot be creative without making mistakes. You benefit from liking your mistakes in order to be free to be creative.
Note: Liking mistakes is not the same thing as wanting to make mistakes.
I am now completely friends with money and becoming less “funny” with money. I am more willing to make mistakes and see them as learning opportunities.
=== Date: 5/16/2013 Current Weight: 192.2 Goal: 155 Pounds til Goal: 37.2 How I Am Feeling: Sick-ish (most of the week) but still as though I’m making big progress. So… Good. : )
Since I have been working so much, I had today off. I used the day to rest and start the “Funny with Money” course. [“Core Health: Are you funny with money? Symbol for the Richness of ALL Life.”]
Chapter 3: Engaging Heart & Energy: A Startling Reality was all about “preparing the terrain” of our inner life to be excellent. Using a process to deeply, thoroughly, and quickly find out information such as Starting Point, Decision Point, and Anchor Points, it was then possible to clear all those points to confirm new energy decisions and flow.
First here’s a little glossary of terms: Decision Point: Migraine headaches, bulimia, cancer, emotional “wounds,” weight issues, all have a Decision Point when the person non-consciously decided to have the problem. Negative energies “find” a stimulus event to attach to an coalesce around as a Decision.
Starting Point: Earlier in Life, the person had never even considered the issue, then comes their first awareness of it. They “Start down the road” to making the decision by picking up the first bit of “evidence” — the Starting Point. Pieces of “evidence” picked up along the way eventually attach to and coalesce around a stimulus/drama/trauma into the Decision Point. The Starting Point is the initiation of the negative energy - collects more “evidence” - then seeks an event around which to coalesce.
Anchor Point: Following the Decision Point, additional baggage (“evidence”) is collected, then there is another stimulus that creates the Anchor Point - a reaffirming of the Decision. This anchors the Decision more tightly in the energy system.
Number of Anchor Points: Repeated life events, traumas, dramas, etc. cause added reaffirming of the Decision. There can be dozens, hundreds, 100s of thousands of Anchor Points. The number is not relevant - they will all be cleared. The key is bringing up all points by acknowledging them, so they can be cleared.
Basically it’s a story line. Starting Point is when you become aware of an issue. Decision Point is when you decide to have the issue. And the Anchor Points are when you say “Yep yep, I made a good decision” and reaffirm your choice was the right one.
Starting Point —> Decision Point —> Anchor Point —> Lots more Anchor Points
Today my story line was about a childhood event. Decision Point carry the most energy. My DP was at 13.
DP “At age 14, my Heart and Energy are participating 100% in my life.” No “At age 13, my Heart and Energy are participating 100% in my life.” No -- Strong emotional response, began to cry “At age 12, my Heart and Energy are participating 100% in my life.” Yes
When I started 8th grade — Emotional reaction Year I wanted to kill myself — Strong emotional reaction, began to cry
SP At age 12, I have started down the road to making this decision. Yes At age 11, I have started down the road to making this decision. No At age 10, I have started down the road to making this decision. No
Locate the person and event/stimulus when I first picked up some “evidence” or junk that “living protectively in my head” may be a good idea.
AP My first Anchor Point is age 13. Yes My first Anchor Point is age 14. No
More than 9.5 million APs
After listening to clearing process CD, took approximately 4 hours for all Anchor Points to be released.
At the end I checked the statement: “My Heart and Energy are participating 100% in this process.” Answer: YES
Amazing day of “preparing the terrain.” : )
=== Date: 5/13/2013 Current Weight: 194.4 Goal: 155 Pounds til Goal: 39.4 How I Am Feeling: Clear
The last week or two I’ve been letting my fears and insecurities rise to the surface (instead of keeping them hidden & buried) in a process of healing. This has been HORRIBLE in so many ways. Some days have been very dark. I feel intensely and my emotions are heightened. There’s been a good deal of crying. Sometimes I am incredibly sad - yet others remarkably happy & free. I remind myself it’s part of the clearing process/cycle. I can’t move forward if I am holding myself back… And I’ve been holding a lot in for a long time.
Each day I relax, clear my mind, and let whatever needs to be addressed come up. I give myself permission to let it be recognized but, more importantly, to let it go. I release myself from my insecurities and fears. Fear of success. Fear of failure. Fear of happiness. If I want to achieve my goals, I can’t secretly fear the things I want.
I am now finding myself at a point where I feel more bold and less vulnerable. Being “real” includes the good and the bad portions of ourselves and others will judge us less than we worry they will. I am becoming more bold with saying, “This is what I need. I accept nothing less. (Because I’ve accepted less in the past, and it was not healthy for me.)”
Overall the clearing process is one more way of being honest with myself about my wants and needs and providing a solution to getting out of my own way.
=== Date: 5/10/2013 Current Weight: 195.2 Goal: 155 Pounds til Goal: 40.2 How I Am Feeling: A mess.
Last night I couldn’t sleep. I tried listening to a relaxation CD, writing an article about Women in Leadership, and simply laying in bed hoping for rest. Somewhere between falling asleep and my dreams, I woke up with clarity knowing I needed to resolve my life to three priorities right now.
1. Work 2. Weight Loss 3. IAVM
All of these represent commitments I need to fulfill to others and myself. Everything else needs to be put on the back burner. TV. Movies. Friends. Going out. Socializing. I will still go to events I have committed to, but going out more than once a week is not necessary right now.
Spending more time at home will give me time to focus on these areas of my life and lend them 100% of my talents.
Stop procrastinating. Be better.
=== Date: 3/13/2013 Current Weight: 197.5 Goal: 155 Pounds til Goal: 42.5 How I Am Feeling: Clear minded. Focused.
[Warning: This post is pretty stream of conscious and jumps around a little bit… aka I rambled and hoped there was a point.]
When you first meet someone, you don’t know how you will impact one another’s lives, but something in your being knows your friendship is important.
Moving to a new city makes you realize how much effort can go in to making new friends — learning about who they are, who they want to be (or don’t want to be any more), about their past, what their goals are, which pizza toppings they like, what makes them laugh, and what type of movies they enjoy. All the small talk. All the jokes and drinks and rounds of pool. It’s all relevant.
I have struggled on and off over the last 16 some odd years with depression in various forms and since being in Tulsa have felt I need to find a counselor because I have no friends who really know me or get me yet. I keep too much to myself and without a friend to be supportive, I don’t have an outlet here.
Over the last few days, I realized I’ve made an impact on other people’s lives - and hopefully for the better - but only because they thanked me. This was important for me to hear and let it sink in. For some reason, it’s difficult for me to see my good attributes and focus only on what I could improve upon that’s not good enough. Perhaps I find it strange for a girl who wanted to take her own life to be someone who helps other people take strides towards their dreams and their success. So can a life make a difference?
I want to work everyday towards a life that has meaning. …Yet I catch myself settling and giving up and being lazy. My actions do not match up with my priorities or my goals, and when that happens I let myself down more than anyone else. I do not want to fear success, and I’m not sure I do, but I am pretty sure I can be self-sabotaging. Recently I have been trying to determine exactly what “success” would look like or feel like or mean - how will I know what I want to put my efforts in to? Am I okay with working 40hrs a week and putting less time in to work? What is my goal at work? Is it worth the time? Will my boss or anyone notice? What would I rather do with my time? Volunteer? Get involved? Exercise? Read? Write? What is my balance and how do I achieve success both in my career and personal life?
If tomorrow I was given the chance to do anything I wanted, and go anywhere I wanted, the craziest most impulsive part of me would go to Gainesville and set my intentions on asking someone to marry me. I can live and work hard anywhere, but my heart still lives in Florida. I’ve tried to get it back but haven’t yet because I don’t think I’m done having an impact on that person’s life.
So what’s it like to know that you’ve made a difference to someone else? When someone says two powerful words like “Thank You,” how can you still feel like you’re not making the right choices and doing good things? It’s a gift to be truly appreciated and an honor to be worthy.
I am grateful to the amazing friends in my life who push me to succeed, who listen to me, who make me laugh, and who won’t let me settle. You’re important. I need you. You make a difference. Thank YOU.
The late comedian Mitch Hedberg had a punch line that ended with “Get your priorities crooked.” Sometimes I can’t tell if I am getting mine straight or getting them crooked.
I am pretty sure my life is awesome. I get paid a good wage to have the job I’ve always wanted. I live in a great city. My friends are all phenomenal, talented people who live with passion and gusto — all of them. The saddest part of my life right now is that I am away from my incredibly large and loving family. That is the part that has me question my priorities.
As I explore the world, who I am, and what I want to stand for, people think I’ve got something figured out. I don’t know that they’re wrong, but I don’t know that they’re entirely right. I’ve figured out that I am not yet the best version of myself, and that I strive towards that goal by avoiding mistakes I can foresee. I know myself and feel that I am going to be capable of amazing things. However, I feel like there is a linch pin that is holding something within me back. I am searching for it constantly and ready to pull it in expectation of a tidal wave of release and understanding.
Perhaps it’s a pain I buried deep within my heart or my emotions because I had no way of coping at the time. Maybe it’s a fear or a guilt that’s holding me back. Possibly it’s a secret I had no one to whisper to and tucked it away so I could hear it once again.
So until then, can I find a world where I have it all? The successful career path, the phenomenal friends, and the fun city, all while living near my family? I am afraid the answer is no, and right now I’ve chosen career, independence, and exploration over family. I think that’s why my heart has always yearned to go back to Gainesville. I felt a sense of community there like no other place, yet lived close enough to drive home at a moments notice for a neice’s birthday or a Thanksgiving weekend or for absolutely no reason in particular.
Maybe when I thought I was getting my priorities straight, I needed to be getting them crooked.
The move to Tulsa was a breeze. Most of my things went in to storage, and I moved in to a room in Parker’s house. Parker is my new roommate. Three and 1/2 days a week his daughter Lauren is also my housemate. She’s cute, adorable, and laughs all the time. Her laughter is great at the end of a long day. So is the hot tub in the back yard. That is definitely a nice perk.
Last Monday, 10/8, I began back on the 4 Hour Body eating plan because I was back up to 193 (relatively not that high I suppose, but still not as good as I had been). I was able to stay on the plan this entire week without deviating. Keeping my sights on the wedding next month in New Orleans (11/16) for which I am a bridesmaid has helped give me a short term goal to keep me extra motivated. Rachel (the Bride) and I made a deal to lose 10 pounds before the wedding. We check in with each other from time to time to see how the exercising or eating habits are going. I started at 192 when she and I made the pact 2 months ago; my goal is 182 in the next 30 days. I am currently at 186.2 — so only 4.2 pounds to go!!
The first month of work has been good. I am still trying to figure out my leadership style. Managing people I had no say in hiring is proving challenging to me, especially in a building where I am newer than they are. It’s causing me to evaluate who I am, how I want to portray myself, and how to communicate differently to different people. Do I want to play the supportive card? When are you the manager and when are you the friend? Do I want to lay down the rules so next time the same things are not repeated? How much leniency is a good amount and how much is too much? How do you create change? How do you get someone to care about their job and keep them away from apathy? Etc Etc.
I am beginning to make friends. Fortunately I am making a new BFF for Tulsa who has been good enough to invite me to social events and introduce me to his set of friends. I’ve gone to the Scottish Fest, had people to go to the movies with, donated blood, gone to the Tulsa State Fair (twice), and this week I’m going to Oktoberfest. Not bad for the first month.
Overall I am glad to be in Tulsa. I do miss some good friends in Racine. And of course living on the beach. ; )
As I said from the beginning of this blog, losing weight and getting healthy is not only about the physical. It is about letting go of the emotions that weigh me down as well. This weekend, when I found out S bought a screen printing company in Gainesville, it was this major moment. I knew he was no longer detaching himself from the city, but rather becoming more entrenched. I realized what I hadn’t wanted to. He was more lost than I was, and I can do nothing about it. He’d never make the choice to be with me. I was wrong to hold on.
Letting go of what you thought you wanted brings in to question everything you think you know. For example, if you thought you wanted an apple but turns out it didn’t taste good and it didn’t satisfy your hunger, then maybe what you wanted wasn’t what you needed. So how do we know when we’re making the right choices —- and how do we decipher when they are what’s best, not simply what we want? When is following our instinct to choose what we want actually the best decision? If we can’t trust our instinct, what do we have?
I am going to take a trip to Dallas this upcoming weekend. By Friday I will have worked 12 days straight. It should be a fun weekend, and it will be good to kick back with Javier, Ashlind, & Liz.
Here’s to figuring it all out. And, when you can’t, to having good beer with great friends.
Date: 10/16/2012 Current Weight: 186.2 Goal: 155 Pounds til Goal: 31.2 How I Am Feeling: Goal Oriented
Forewarning: This post is a little more journal-entry-ish than really about any type of diet or exercise plan.
As I mentioned in my last blog post, the house show with Communist Daughter on Friday night was amazing. It was a great way to kick off the weekend.
Saturday afternoon I went to Angela Terry’s house to pick up some more boxes. She and her husband Chris recently moved and luckily had saved quite the selection from which to choose. Angela T. was also kind enough to go through her closet and gift me some fabulous “new” shirts and a black dress. While there, Angela T. and I also went on a bike ride to check out a car on the side of the road, then casually rode over to see if our other friend Kelly Riley was home. Alas, she was not. It was fun being outside and riding bikes. I can’t wait to get mine fixed and functional!
Saturday it was a little difficult to stay focused on packing. Amongst the distractions, lack of focus, and nap-taking, I at least accomplished a good 3 hours worth. In the evening, from 6-8pm, I attended Bonk! at the Racine Arts Council. BONK! is a monthly performance series held in downtown Racine, WI. http://bonkperformanceseries.wordpress.com/
After Bonk!, a group of 10 of us went to eat at a fabulous Spanish restaurant called Olde Madrid also located in downtown Racine. Good company, excellent food, and interesting conversations were had. After dinner, Angela Malone, Janetta (?), & I hung around outside talking and laughing for another hour about everything & nothing in particular. For example, at various points in the night we talked about [today’s high school] drug use, critiqued greek togas, and postulated about the horrors of having/raising/living with your kids [when they’re 14-18 years old]. I laughed a lot…. a lot.
Angela Malone invited me to breakfast with her and her mother. Of course Angela’s boyfriend [Nick] was allowed to tag along too. (jjjj/k) We ate at The Chancery which was not too bad. Hanging out with Angela M. & Nick D. is always a fun time with lots of good laughs.
Towards the end of breakfast, I saw my former HR Manager, her husband, kids, and I’d surmise perhaps her parents. They were seated a few tables away behind me (my back towards them). For the most part I’d liked her while we worked together, and I have no ill-will towards her. I felt as though I should go over to say hello but felt it could have been very awkward. No one at my table thought I should say anything. I really felt as though either way - saying hello or not saying anything - was an awkward situation. As the moment of truth arose, and we were walking out, I didn’t go over to her table to say anything. :-/
After breakfast, I took a short nap before Angela Terry came over to select some goodies from my free pile in return for the nice articles of clothing she’d shared with me the day prior. I was glad to see my things go to a good home. She and I sat about chatting for a bit before deciding to go to lunch. After lunch, we said our final goodbyes & parted ways in the rain. It was sad.
Now I am working one of my final shifts at The Council House. This is my last shift as a Guest Service Agent (aka working the Front Desk). Tuesday, for some reason… because I know they need help and I can’t say no… I am working as a Server in the Dining Room. I really enjoyed all the people I worked with at The Council House. I will also miss receiving tasty free meals each time I work. ; )
Forecast for the remainder of the week: Monday: Hang out with Sara McQuay at some point during the day; 7-9pm Host UU Neighborhood Gathering Tuesday: PACK & ORGANIZE EVERYTHING; 4-11pm Work Wednesday: LOAD THE TRUCK [hopefully with at least a little help]; Attend & Enjoy Dan Garnett & Naomi Marie’s show at The Yardarm Bar & Grill Thursday: Load remaining items; Begin the drive to Oklahoma! Friday: Finish the drive & ARRIVE IN TULSA!! Saturday: 10:30am-12:30pm Movers help unload the truck; Take a nap for the rest of the day Sunday: Check out the nearby All Souls Unitarian Church [currently largest in the world!]
Last night I went to a great house show! Johnny and Molly of Communist Daughter played an acoustic set, and it was fantastic. I am definitely a fan now. I highly recommend checking them out (see video in post above).
At the show, my buddy Nick introduced me to people and kept suggesting they help me move on Wednesday. While outwardly and mentally I was incredibly grateful for these people who didn’t know me who are willing to stop by to help, I inwardly was overcoming this strong feeling of awkwardness and difficulty accepting the help.
I know I can’t move all this by myself. I know how horrible packing & then loading the truck was in South Carolina when I thought I could handle it all. I couldn’t. The second day in South Carolina, Josh & Heather helped me out an incredible amount so that I actually left on the day I’d planned on leaving albeit many hours after I’d planned.
So that is why I am aware I need help.
I am learning to simply say Thank You and be grateful for being connected to a generous community.
It made me realize, also, one of the reasons I’ll miss this place.
Taking a walk this evening along the beach of Lake Michigan with my good friend from Racine, Mr. Nick Demske, reminded me I haven’t blogged this week.
Nick and I had some poignant discussions about personal choices, addiction, how unhealth affects family members, and how difficult it is to change habits (even when attempts are made).
To play a little catch up: last weekend I rented a little car and went to Louisville, Kentucky for my friends Rachel & Kit’s engagement party. I left WI about 3pm on Friday and return by 1:30pm on Monday. I had a GREAT time. It was so good to hang out with them and catch up. We sat on the front porch, went to a rock quarry that was turned into a swimming “pool,” ate amazing Thai food, picked out jewelry for the wedding, went to see “Beasts of the Southern Wild” (we cried), rented a movie (I’d forgotten what that meant) called “God Bless America,” I kicked some ass at a game of Scrabble (where no points were kept track), and lots of other fun little things.
I did take my protein hot chocolate with me and had that with some trailmix [mostly peanuts, raisins, and some M&Ms] for breakfast most mornings. I also made a conscious effort to drink water whenever I could throughout the day. Rachel & I made a deal to try to both lose 10 pounds before the wedding in New Orleans. So, we have 3 months!
Since returning on Monday afternoon, I was stressed out trying to deal with the logistics of moving. By Tuesday I was pretty sure I’d found the place & person I wanted to live with. I emailed Parker on Monday evening, and we talked for about 45minutes on Tuesday. Tuesday night I texted and emailed a few more people but was still feeling best about the place Parker had to offer. I emailed him asking if he could drop the rent a little [I have to rent a storage unit], he did, and as of Wednesday morning we decided to move forward!
Wednesday morning [all before noon] I rented a climate controlled storage unit, reserved my UHaul truck, and hired 2 movers for 2 hours on Saturday to help me unload the truck in Tulsa. My company is paying for $1500 of the move, and I think I’m going to come in right around that budget. If I am a little over, I am okay with that.
Packing had been put on hold during the hours of Craigslisting, emailing/texting potential roommates, and storage unit & moving truck price researching. After all of the aforementioned was arranged, I finally felt relieved enough to begin packing again.
My packing is a bit tricky because I am moving items to a storage unit AND my house. Not only do items have to be sorted through and the boxes packed separately, they also need to be placed in the moving truck in a particular order. For example, my bed & box spring need to be put on the truck last so that they are the first items unloaded in to the house. Conversely, boxes with file folders for the storage unit actually need to be loaded first because I want them to be unloaded last (so they are at the front of the storage unit — permitting me easier access to the documents, should I need them for some reason). Yes, I know, this made my brain hurt for a moment at first too. So now, whenever I pack a box I have to label what’s inside, which location it goes to, and whether it should be loaded first or last.
I am not making the same mistake as South Carolina and pretending I can handle all the moving in a short amount of time on my own. Nick suggested I make a Facebook event and offered to ask some of his friends if they could stop by and help out next Wednesday. I will get over my embarrassment of having so much stuff, and I will graciously accept any and all help. See, it’s only taken 7 months for me to learn that new trick! : )
I can’t fill out my little information at the bottom because I don’t know how much I weigh. My scale has been giving me an “Error” message the last 3 days. :-/
“It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power.”—Alan Cohen
I will be moving to Tulsa in 2 weeks (or less). I was offered the job of Event Manager at the SpiritBank Event Center. The SBEC is a 4500 seat arena with two large banquet halls. In addition to my event duties, I will be supervising 2 Event Coordinators.
The timing is excellent for several reasons. I’ve been able to travel freely this summer to Florida, South Carolina, and Kentucky and entertain guests who have come to visit me. I will move at the end of the month, which makes it nice for leaving one lease and entering another. I start Sept. 4, so I will have a long weekend to get settled in to Tulsa before starting work. And my temp job ends today (for the most part), so I will not have to worry about leaving them shorthanded.
I am happy to have a new direction to focus my energy! Huzzah!
Date: 8/17/2012 Current Weight: 191 Goal: 155 Pounds til Goal: 36 How I Am Feeling: Ready
I stopped doing everything this last week. I stopped eating well. Stopped going to the gym. Stopped packing. I got in a funk the last 5-6 days where I didn’t feel like doing much outside of my room. I felt depleted instead of energized and lacked motivation to push myself.
Last night was the worst. I had a migrane for hours which kept me from sleeping. Why I didn’t take medicine earlier when I had only a slight headache, I don’t know.
I didn’t do anything differently last night. However, this morning I felt awesome. I awoke early and felt rested. The haze is gone and the energy had been restored. I can focus more easily on tasks at home and work.
I am surprised, and very glad, it did not impact my weight.
So strange, but I am glad it’s over!
Date: 8/15/2012 Current Weight: 192 Goal: 155 Pounds til Goal: 37 How I Am Feeling: Much better
Let’s get this part out of the way: Moving is stressful. There are about a million details to take care of and it’s no time for procrastination. Wait, there’s always time for procrastination… I should go see Beasts of the Southern Wild in Milwaukee. What a beautiful, perfect day, I should head down to the beach. Watch another episode of True Blood on HBO Go? I think I shall.
However, there’s a kind of greatness in packing your belongings. It gives you a chance to look through them. Look at the great books you have. Remember those CDs you used to listen to and what you were doing at the very time and places you listened to them or made them. Packing also gives you a chance to let go. It’s easy to collect “things” and “stuff” little by little. Someone hands you a concert flyer. You bring it home and set it on a shelf. “Here’s a great book you should read.” Add book to never ending stack. Newspaper articles/clippings. Make-up that didn’t work out so well. You get the idea.
So, if you’re not rushed, packing can be a great time to purge. Reminisce then let go. Do I really wear this dress and those shoes? Why do I have 500 candles? Do I need 5,000 free pens? Another lotion from Bath & Body Works?!
I’m in a little bit of a different boat in some ways. I moved just 7 months ago. Moving again so soon is actually is helping me de-clutter even more because I went through that whole first major level of stuff that was easier to go through. Now I see different things that I missed the first time, or now I have time to evaluate them that I didn’t last time because it was focused on eliminating other junk.
Is this to say I’m very good at purging? Not entirely. I still see things with a dollar value. I know that to pull my car behind a truck, it has to be at least a 16’ truck. [That was definitely enough to move all my things to WI with room left over.] With a truck so large and knowing I have plenty of space, there’s a little less incentive to let go of things “just so I don’t have to pack them.” I want to save money for lots of reasons: pay of student loans, buy a new car, and buy a house. I think to myself when packing, “If I leave behind my dishes, then I will have to buy new ones.” Same with the microwave. And the couches. And the lamps, etc. It all adds up. Right?
I still have a lot of STUFF.
The challenge I give to myself is to balance useful materials [couches, TVs, lamps, dishes] with letting go of things I hold on to for emotional reasons [clothing!] or things Ireally don’t utilize (even if there’s nothing wrong with them). Examples: that unopened fondue set is going to need to find a new home, as well as the printer/fax/scanner I used to use but don’t any more.
Overall, it’s a time-consuming and good process. I start out with the best intentions, but always seem to rush at the end and throw things in boxes to be determined when I arrive at the next place. Of course, I hope it’s not like that this time. Even if it is, it is worth all the effort at the beginning if there’s only a few remainders at the end.
Here’s the beginning pile of clothes, jewelry, box of candles, and an ice scrapper [definitely won’t need that where I’m going] from the last 2 days (doesn’t include the electronics):
Date: 8/11/2012 Current Weight: 192 Goal: 155 Pounds til Goal: 37 How I Am Feeling: Overwhelmed & Stressed Out!
Traveling is tricky for me when it comes to being optimally healthy. There’s all the hours spent at the airports which have very little healthy food, or if they do it’s extra expensive. For example, for an airport “dinner” I bought a small bottle of Naked 100% juice and a yogurt with blueberries and granola; it cost almost $10. Also, it doesn’t help that since you can’t bring in liquids, you’re not drinking as much water.
Once I arrived in South Carolina last weekend, as much as I tried to opt for the apples and bananas and Cliff bars when at Patrick’s house, there was a lot of eating out or not preparing my own food. It was social eating — lunch with my mentor and former boss, lunch with friends from church, lunch with a good friend, “f*ck it let’s go to Sonic”… you get the idea. I also drank wine one night while I was there because my friend had a party. While I did not drink much, I could still tell the next day.
I didn’t exercise while there. Fail. With the best of intentions, I brought my running shoes and work out clothes but didn’t use them. It was nice to only wear flip flips the entire weekend though… ; )
Perhaps worst of all was getting my sleep schedule out of whack. It made me feel so out of it. Nowadays I really enjoy going to bed relatively early and getting up early. I was staying up until 3 or 4 in the morning and trying to get up by 9am. Rough. Me + sleep = <3 Lesson learned!
The only good thing I did was drink a ton of water every day. I really think that was my saving grace.
Date: 8/8/2012 Current Weight: 193.5 Goal: 155 Pounds til Goal: 38.5 How I Am Feeling: Stressed Out!
To the Readers:
What helps keep you on track when you are traveling? Any advice or suggestions?
I like lists. Checking off tasks is positive reinforcement for me. Hey look! I accomplished something! Wahoo!
Last week I made a simple, daily checklist to keep myself focused on what I want to create as daily habits to keep up my physical appearance, improve emotional health, and, right now, help me find a full-time job.
I tried to keep it basic and realistic. I don’t do every thing every day, but I do many a few times a week. This is a tool I am trying that [so far] seems to help keep me on track to forming healthy habits.
Here’s my real example from yesterday:
Thursday 2 Aug 2012
Weigh In: __193.5__
_X_ Brush Teeth _X_ Floss Teeth _X_ Whiten Teeth
___ Exercise ___ 15 min ___ 30 min ___ 45 min ___ 1 hour 5k Time: _______
_X_ Organize, Clean, or Pack ___ 15 min ___ 30 min ___ 45 min _X_ 1 hour
I have a little bit of blank space at the bottom where I write in other notes about what I did well or not that day— including things like “Vitamins,” “Laid on beach with iPod after the gym,” or “Today I didn’t eat well.”
=== Date: 8/3/2012 Current Weight: 192.5 Goal: 155 Pounds til Goal: 37.5 How I Am Feeling: Good Morning!
To the Readers:
Do you do something like this? If so, what do you find useful about it?
If not, do you think something similar would help get you on track to your goals and changing your daily habits?
I never used to understand runners. Don’t get me wrong, I wanted to. I wanted to figure out why they ran… and where were they running to? I couldn’t figure out the point. I pretty much only envied them because I figured they’d survive longer in a zombie apocalypse than I would.
Now I’ve begun exploring running. It started when I saw how much fun people had with it at The Color Run back at the end of May. Thousands of people were having a lot of fun and being healthy.
Basically, I am letting go of worrying about being too slow or looking foolish and starting somewhere. I simply started with walking on the treadmill and increasing my speed. Intermittently I add in running. I tell myself, “Doing something is better than nothing.” Doing nothing is what I did before, and it’s doing nothing that lead me to the unhealthy state I’m in.
So why do I run, and where am I running to?
I am running to let go of my self-imposed limitations.
With each step, I am running towards my healthy goals.
So. Here’s to the start of me blogging about my experiences with leading a healthier lifestyle. My hope is it will be full of learning experiences that are common to others on the same journey. Perhaps in it I will find moments of encouragement when I am feeling defeated and/or keep myself accountable by filling the blog out each week.
Where I Was:
Over the last couple years, I’ve really tried to delve into the emotional, mental, and spiritual reasons for my unhealthy choices. This has revealed a LOT of crap because I internalize my feelings about EVERYTHING. My weight and bad skin has formed a stupid protective boundary that keeps people from seeing the person I feel like I am. That is what I want to change. I want the me I feel like to be the version of myself people see.
Where I Am Today:
I am obese. It’s not an easy or fun thing to admit to anyone, especially oneself. People are always kind and like to say, “No way! No you’re not!” According to the BMI index, as of today I’m at 32.24. About 6 months ago I was worse: 33.74.
While the chart says my ideal weight would be 149.5, my goal is 155.
38.5 pounds is a huge goal!!!
The two primary areas I am working to improve are decreasing weight and improving skin.
Here are some of the things I’ve begun doing to make a change in my lifestyle:
Walking at least a 5k every time I go to the gym
Learning to run
Feel like randomly doing something at home? Do 20 squats or dance around the room - get the heart rate up even if for a couple minutes. Don’t limit myself to the gym.
Regularly take care of face, hands and feet with herbal supplement to improve skin issues
Reducing the amount of carbs and sugary things I eat (I haven’t eliminated by any means)
Drinking less soda and sweet tea
Drinking more water
Trying to get more nutrient rich foods for the same amount of calories
Consuming a lot of protein rich foods for breakfast
Release emotional ties to objects and things — they are not me and do not define me.
Reduce the Clutter: Give away things such as clothing, shoes, jewelry, candles, and other things I have more than I truly need or use. This used to be extremely difficult for me but that’s beginning to change.
Let go of bad relationships - friends, ex-es, bosses, etc. If they’re not positive and not healthy, let go and move forward on own paths. Remove all the past baggage too, so I don’t continue to carry it around with me.
Change my perspective and attitudes towards the relationships I want to work on bettering. Forgive and let go of the past - don’t bring the past in to the future. Move forward together.
Always look at the world from a positive perspective. My life is truly rich & blessed.
The truth is this sh*t is easy to write in a sentence and hard as f*ck to practice on a daily basis right now.
Thanks for joining me and encouraging me on this journey.
=== Date: 8/2/2012 Current Weight: 193.5 Goal: 155 Pounds til Goal: 38.5 How I Am Feeling: Exposed